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In a safe environment like the one I offer, I would guess that this type of situation is more normal than not! Anyway, Doc Barker came in and sat down. I knew him well enough to sense that he was uncomfortable. ‘So what is going on, Doc?’ I asked him, already knowing. ‘Well, there is a spot on your lungs,’ he said. ‘Actually several!’ I looked right at him, there was sadness, almost defeat in his eyes. ‘How bad?’ I asked. ‘Well, it is past operating.’ He said flatly. ‘But there are a number of things we can try.’ He went through the options, I didn’t like any of them. I would be very ill from the treatments, but there was a ‘chance’, he told me. ‘What kind of chance?’ I asked him. ‘Maybe 10%, that depends a lot on you!’ ‘And if I do nothing?’ I asked. ‘You will feel pretty much OK until it gets bad, then you fail quickly.’ he said, beginning to understand where I was headed. ‘So how long if I just go home?’ I asked him. ‘Six months, 12 tops,’ he said. I thought for a second, made my. Ever since those early first days, before the neighborhood thugs learning it was a bad idea to fuck with me, I tooled up for my walks. Yeah, I had to walk on my fucked up hip with a couple of extra pounds of shit, but like the old saying went. ‘If it don’t kill me, it makes me stronger, and if it kills me what the fuck’.Our walk was uneventful, except I had the world on my mind. I had my guilt over Thia, my anticipation of the breakup with Janet, and the half dozen messages from the FBI laying in my in box as dormant as a cornfield in January. I just did not want to turn that particular patch of shit. I know, I was full of bad metaphors and screwball opinions even back then.It was a depressing day, even though the weather was beautiful on that late May morning. I was just in a funk because I loved Thia in so many good ways, but also in that one, not so good way. Hell I made the decision to stop beating myself up, and just do the best I could for her in the short time we spent.
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