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“Yeah”. Massaging my palms, “You fucked it up,” she repeated. “How?” Half blubbering, “I couldn’t kiss him! I said sorry and… and went back inside” A look of confusion briefly washed over Katherine’s features and I knew she didn’t understand. She wouldn’t, how could she? While Katherine knew me this was way out of her frame of reference. Continuing, “I didn’t know how to kiss him”. This was met with a blank look of confusion and I realised I was going to have to spell it out to her. “You know I’ve never kissed anyone, right?” The blank look was evidence that she didn’t know. “No one?” “No one.” As embarrassing as this was I enjoyed that I was having to explain something to her- it was usually the other way around and I took some satisfaction in even this little ‘victory’. “But…” I’d shared a lot with her but never told her that I’d never kissed anyone before. She’d assumed that I was shy and hadn’t kissed many guys and I’d never set the record straight because I liked being able to. I feel a tear starting to run down my face again and wipe it away with the back of my hand. I’ve been there for five hours, smoking and nursing drink number two. I guess the local happy hour is starting, but I ignore the laughter of the people in the bar. I order one more drink, figuring it will be my last one as I’ve almost run out of cigarettes. Maybe I’m numb from the alcohol, but I can’t really tell, I was numb to start with. Several men try to hit on me, but I ignore them and they finally leave me alone. I crush out my last cigarette, swallow the rest of my drink and leave. I walk back to my room, strip and again collapse on the bed. Day 3 I wake the next day with a slight hangover, but go through the same routine as the day before. I cross to the diner for a meal and then head over to the bar. Cigarettes and bourbon in hand, I sit down at the same table. I stare at my drink and take a good healthy swallow before lighting up this time. The day progresses much as the day before.
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