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Begamsab came to the kitchen and gave me instructions about the lunch. She told me that when I feel trouble or any confusion I could call her. All things were going right and when if there was some thing wrong Begamsab pointed out it to me verbally or some time she helped me also practically. When she was helping me practically in kitchen she never tries to avoid her body touching from me. After tow week I was feeling very easy. Begamsab gave me some money at the evening when left and tell me that this is my pocket money not for home.One day after the break fast, when the entire family members went to their jobs and school. I was in kitchen then Begamsab came in kitchen asked me that today we are going to make a special dish which probably need me her help. She gave me instruction to turnout some spices and utensils. She told me that when I prepared this then calls her. I did as she instructed and called her after half in hour. She came to kitchen. We started to make the dish she was. He proved himself unworthy and removed himself from the picture. I can't really articulate how I feel about this but every bit of it reinforces this.. self-awareness I'm experiencing. Like, I am an entity, a whole, stand-alone person. I used to think of Ethan as a piece of me. An extension of self that I needed; but now I think I felt that way because it wasn't Ok for me to want things. Like, I only ever deserved what I needed. Not anymore. Almost overnight I feel -- quite comfortably -- that it's totally fine for me to want things. And absolutly to be expected that I should get what I want.Speaking of things I want; Hayden (god his name is so fucking stupid I hate to even write it) finally came back to work today after being gone for three days. I don't flatter myself that it was the pain of my rejection keeping him away, I'm sure it was just the awkwardness. I have a feeling that if he wasn't so new, and this place wasn't such a fantastic resume-entry for him, that he would have.
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