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The honeycomb shades did the trick. In fact, it was practically dark enough to load film canisters, if I was still developing my own film. I'd stopped that a couple of years ago when I finally ran out of steam. Six rolls from a long weekend at Yosemite, and in my rush to develop them and see what I had I told myself that the developer I had from a couple of months ago would be good enough. It wasn't.I remember that afternoon. My stomach knotted as though I was going to throw up. I felt a lead weight on my heart. Mostly, I felt despair. Fucked up again. The evidence was quite clear. "Clear," in fact, described the result perfectly. Virtually no detail at all in the negatives. Nothing. Zilch. Nothing I could salvage, even with the hardest highest-contrast paper I could find. It was hopeless. I felt like shit. Like failure. Dad wouldn't have approved, I'm sure of that.Just a fuckup. That's what it felt like and that's what it was. So, no, I didn't cry, but I felt like it. I solved it. As soon as the door closed, the frogs and cicadas must have figured it was safe to resume their midnight swamp symphony. I pressed myself against a far wall, if you could even call it a wall, the ends of sticks and a few leaves protruding against my back. A beetle dropped from the ceiling and onto my shoulder. I didn’t bother flicking it away. My lips trembled, and I am not embarrassed to admit, I was on the verge of tears. The possibility of being eaten alive by the most beautiful girl in the world was not a thought to stir my favorite kinds of emotions. The girl turned and captured me with her gaze. I felt all the fear drain out of me, replaced with a burning sensation in the pit of my gut: hot, fluid desire. Women have a certain power over men, always have. Whether it’s hormonal or mental or something else entirely, it is a real thing, and the girl, or rather this girl-shaped thing, in front of me had somehow mastered this power, and she turned it full-force on me. I had to.
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