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But instead of finding solace in those clear moments, Alicia found failure and disappointment. By and by she must have learned to hate those moments, as they never brought what they were meant to do. They should feel liberating, but they didn't. They were supposed to be glimpses of a 'normal' and 'healthy' life, but whenever she tried to hang on to them, she failed. No wonder her already low self-esteem turned into self-disgust, which was the ideal frame of mind to welcome punishment and humiliation. It was a self-propelling wheel, fed by idle hope and certain defeat.And yet, she kept running back to them.Someone other than Angique would have long since given up on the girl. But she hadn't. She kept nudging Alicia on, even if she balked and fled at each new challenging step. Angique had allowed the girl to drag her through deep valleys of despair whenever she ran off ≠ — but she'd had no choice, had she? Living without Alicia was worse than living with her — or rather, it was. He said he and Dan were having breakfast and said I was welcome to join them. After eating Dan and I went to his room to play. After a while I heard my mom talking to Bill. He came in and said my mom went to church and would be back later, I said ok. Dan said lets go swimming, I said I didn't bring my trunks and the door was locked at my house. He said to put on the ones I had last night. We stripped down and I went to the bathroom to get the swimsuit. Bill seen me and came into Dan's room to find out what was happening. We were both naked and Dan said we're going swimming, Bill said ok,he might be out in a little bit. He pat my butt and said not to get to tired,I said ok. I helped Dan up the ladder and jumped in. We splashed around for a while. Dan said he was starting to hurt and said he was getting out to rest.I said ok, and swam around for a few minutes before something splashed in the pool. Bill came up on the other side of the pool. He asked if I wanted to get tossed up,I said.
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