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. the way I felt about her. But I couldn't help it. Why couldn't she have been like everyone else... afraid of me, disdainful of me? Why did she have to keep thinking there was something special in me? Why did she have to make me feel like I was worth something? It only made it harder when I realised I wasn't – when I did stupid shit like this. I kicked at an empty can on the sidewalk, sending it skittering over the pavement.I shoved my hands deep in the pockets of my hoodie, my body aching. Why couldn't I just be normal? Why couldn't I stop doing these things? These things that hurt Carly, and hurt me. Why did I have to push everyone away?I stop, realising I'm outside my building. I head up wearily, trudging up the flights of stairs. I pause when I reach my door. I always have to psyche myself up before I go in, because every time I enter, something bad happens. And I'm so tired of all this bullshit. I just wanna go to sleep and forget.I open the door, slipping inside. Mom's passed. He eventually sniffedin and licked a bit. I loved it. Being a virgin it wasthe most feeling I’d had. I let him do it, each roughlick driving me closer. I came as hard as I ever hadand immediately felt guilty.A week or so past and I didn’t do it again until I wasdrunk, but it was as good as before. It began to becomea thing for me to get him off the dog run after school,and jack off. I would have trouble containing my hard-on on the bus on the way home. Each bump down our dirtroad making me harder and harder until it hurt. Itdidn’t help that the same bumps had all the girls’ firmtits bounce just a touch. After a few months of regular masturbation I began tofeel a new kind of guilt. I had noticed the dogs pinkcock poke out several times. I couldn’t help thinkingabout it during the times after I came along with otherreasons it felt wrong. But it being wrong was half the reason I came so hard.The feeling was almost more intense sneaking out to thegarage, or.
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