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It was the onlymoment in the day he could center himself and hold onto the core of hispersonality. But his keepers also seemed to be aware of this possibility,which is presumably why they gave him (and everyone else he assumed) asedative every night; nearly every waking moment must conform to theirdesign.The Blue Mistress would be here soon. She referred to herself as Hayley,but part of making sure he stayed anchored to his fundamental identity wasgiving everything a name of his choosing, even if he only used itinternally. "Always use your definition of reality, not theirs" was acentral tenet of resisting cult style brainwashing.He walked into the bathroom and looked at himself. Not a strand of bodyhair to be found. He stepped into the shower. It was not just the typicalcult play book of using repetitive prayer and common mind conversiontechniques at work here. As he soaped his shrinking dick and teen sizedbreasts, he understood he was being forced onto a fairly heavy chemicalregimen. It engulfedme, the front casting a shadow over everything else. The yearningswithin me grew more incessant, crying out to be fed with something Icould never give them. The emptiness grew day by day. Ever longer, everdeeper.Bottomless.Then before you even realize it, you're alone. Angry at the world,weary of being pelted by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.Bitter and jaded, the darkness is all you have left. It's what definesyou now, a pillar of your identity. To challenge it seems unthinkable,because that would tug at the seams of who you are as a person. Soevery day you wear your mask, and every day the shadows behind it growjust a little darker. It's an endless cycle from which you can'tescape: An ouroborous of self-loathing and disgust. It's no surprise somany transgendered individuals end their lives the way I did.But I found a way out, didn't I? What seemed impossible became areality, and I'd been given the one thing the yawing hunger within mecraved most: Femineity,.
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