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Marcia decidedthat was close enough. She was already rapidly losing confidence in herability to control the situation, or even hold her own."I didn't abandon you. What I think, though, is that you want to thinkthat I abandoned you. I think that's become a part of your identity,it's something you're using to define yourself. To defend yourselfagainst the complexity of the truth. You are the little-girl-who-was-abandoned. And I'm the nearest closest safest target of the anger youfeel about that. The only reason you wanted me around was so you couldkeep on rejecting me. That was my only role in your life and I have totell you it wasn't enough for me to live for. I'm sorry. You'rebiological parents, they gave you up, for their own reasons. And whetherthey were good ones or not, I'm not to judge. But you can't keep usingme for their stand-ins, Phoebe. As the stand-in figure for everydisappointment, for every rejection, for every unhappiness in your life.Well, actually you can do that, and. I thoughtI was the only one.There were also two (2) gay magazines. They showed men kissing andhugging each other. They also showed small skinny men, with no bodyhair, either on their knees with their mouth around a larger man'spenis; or on all fours with a larger muscle-bound man shoving his penisup the smaller guy's ass.There were even a few with a penis in their mouth and ass, which I laterlearned was called spit-roasting.I was in awe of what I saw, but when my mom called down to ask what Iwas doing, I shouted that I could not find the wrench as I scrambled toput the magazines back. As I left the basement, I kept thinking aboutwhat I saw and what it meant to me. Also, what did my father liked aboutthem?I knew my dad would be away for a month so the next day, while my momwas at the store, I snuck the magazines into my bedroom and hid them inthe back of my closet. When I had the opportunity, I would pick one andlook at it as I humped my bed to orgasm. I would even put a pillow.
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