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"You really loved her, I can tell." It felt so good to be held by someone who had great affection for me, if not real love. It was comforting. "Sorry, it still stings, so unfair for her, for me, for everyone who knew her." I said I needed to stop this. I wanted to hear more about her life and talk about happier things. "No, you need to talk it out, that is part of the healing process, so talk, " she commanded. She was right, I had never really come to terms with my loss and blamed myself for moving back to Chicago. "If we had stayed in New England, she might still be alive," I said. "I wouldn't have been driving on the Dan Ryan and that awful accident would not have happened." I was sobbing uncontrollably, now. She was holding me tightly, kissing my head. "Let it all out, my sweet man, it's ok to cry." I was feeling so vulnerable, yet so relieved to be able to cry. I had not since the funeral. "Come with me, David," she said as she directed me to her bedroom. "Remember this room,". She'd thought she was rooming with a boy at first and was somehow thinking her virtue would be safer if she was. I had a feeling that the roommate she was describing was really nothing at all like the one she'd be sharing a room with. Whenever Elaine happened to run down a little, her brother picked it up. That guy had never let being in a wheelchair get him down. He'd finished his college program and had just gotten his first real job. His legs might be crippled, but his mouth ran just as fast as Elaine's."So I suppose Elaine is going to be blaming everything on her roommate this year instead of on me," he said. "I feel so ... discarded." Oh, big brother, don't feel like that. I'm still going to blame you for everything."We had dessert and Elaine helped me serve drinks to the parentals before the five of us youngsters went outside. Lamar and I guided Cam's chair down the two steps to get to the driveway. Dad added a new cement pad in front of the garage this summer. That was going.
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