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“If by that you mean the undead, yes. If by that you mean some Gothic movie vampire with a shaved head, then no. Is that why you’ve been a royal pain in my ass my entire life, Mom? Why I never caught any breaks, why it was always ‘Chelsea this, Chelsea that,’ always her being the golden girl, me the black sheep? Or bat in my case? Well, Mom? You knew that this could happen to me, but you never warned me that I could turn into a fucking VAMPIRE on my eighteenth birthday, not in the least!” I snapped at Mom.“And you, steroid-using, doping, small-dick sporting, brainless jock piece of shit that I’d like to scrape off the bottom of my shoes, except, I’m fucking naked right now, not that you noticed, Mom, Jerry ... really? And for the love of God, close that damn door already! If I could sneak in, a fucking vampire, what about robbers?” I snarled at Jerry now, my rage in full red-flag mode.“Wait, vampires are supposed to require an invitation from the head of the household. That’s me. I. She wanted him and couldn’t wait to put her arms around him, but suddenly she became aware that she couldn’t lift her arms or move her hands. She yanked her lips from his as her eyes snapped open. Her eyes widened as she looked in the mirror and saw that he had pulled her blouse and the shoulder straps of her bodice down almost to her elbows, restraining her arms and baring her breasts. As her eyes continued down, she discovered that he had tied her wrists together with a long strip of satin from the sash drawer. ‘What the fuck? You tied me up?’ He held her tighter, deciding it wasn’t safe to release her just yet. He kissed the back of her shoulder as he said, ‘Sorry. I just wanted to be sure you wouldn’t beat the crap outta me, like you did in fifth grade.’ ‘You deserved that, asshole!’ she sputtered. ‘Besides, you were a big pussy. I didn’t hit you that hard.’ ‘Yes you did,’ he laughed. ‘You took after me like that Ralphie kid in ‘A Christmas Story’ when he finally lets loose his.
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