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What do you want? I can hear it in your voice." Well, I'm having a problem with Barry." What did you do?" Why do you always assume it's me?" I know you and I know Barry. What did you do?" He's treating me terribly. He tells me I'm a lousy cook. He says I'm not that interesting. He even took some other woman to the opera because he said she knows more about it than me." He what?" I had to hold the phone away from my ear. "That makes no sense. Why would he do something like that?"Damn. Once again I hadn't thought it out. What the hell kind of reason could I give her? I couldn't think of a thing. I was taking too long to answer."What did you do, Grace?" She knew. Not the details, but she knew."He caught me cheating on him." This was unflattering enough. I didn't want to confess the whole story."He's angry. He has a right to be. Grace, how could you?" He's not, he isn't there for me enough, physically. I thought I was entitled to more. And he wouldn't miss it since he's not that. "I pop open the cap and squeeze out the toothpaste onto the brush. It is a baby pink colour."I can hear someone telling me: 'Open your mouth and brush your teeth.'" I hesitatingly open my mouth. I feel embarrassed to do it. Humiliated. For some reason, it feels like a sexual violation. As I slide the brush into my cheek, it touches my tongue. It feels as if they are reaching right inside me."I begin to brush, with their brush and their toothpaste in my mouth. The paste is sweet, and actually pleasant in a little child sort of way. It's always going to feel like this. Every time I do this, I will feel them putting themselves inside my body. Leaving their after-taste in my mouth, a constant reminder of being violated."Suddenly, I am back home. Staring at the wash hand basin. Looking at the drool of white, sharp-tasting, minty toothpaste from my mouth. This taste tells me I am home. The taste tells me I am not where I should be. Each time I go through the routine, it reminds me I am.
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