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’ ‘But why ever-‘ ‘Mr Barclay, please! Do not ask this of me. I am sincerely grateful to you, but it must be this way. If you cannot accept this then I will, of course, leave the agency and-‘ ‘No!’ If I had though the heart-wrenching disappointment of rejection was bad, the thought of Jana leaving me altogether was agonising. I modulated my tone, and tried to sound reassuring and compliant, ‘No, that really won’t be necessary. I… I’m disappointed of course, but I’m sure we can continue to work together. Of course, it would be of great help to me personally if you could at least tell me why-‘ ‘I beg of you, please do not ask! Respect my wishes on this matter or I really will have to leave this place.’ Her words chilled me. Not just for their import which was fearsome enough, but for the alien tone in which they were delivered. It was a tone that brooked no argument, that spoke nothing but a fundamental truth. It was also a tone that was as cold as the grave. I apologised, of course,. The whole short episode with Shaye reminded me of the one-night stand I did with her singing at a road house named Bucks. The beautiful pleasure of our meeting came later than night when we made love on a stormy night in a room over the bar. I left a piece of my heart with Shaye and she with me. I felt so glad that some force of nature had worked in her favor. I hoped that maybe our paths would cross in the not too distant future.In the months leading up to Christmas, I periodically examined the relationships between the four of us: Crystal and me, Ellen and me, Ellen and Terry, and the sisters. I could tell Ellen had checked her emotions – she was holding back. Sure, she told me she loved me, but it was in the way she'd done before she confessed her deeper love for me in Minnesota. I could feel her pain at not wanting to cross over some line in her adoration for me. Often, I'd fine her just staring at me in a dreamy state; she'd catch herself, give me a loving smile, and change.
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