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She had never entered my mind as a woman to lust over or fancy until then. However, after that day, she took my thoughts over and I fantasized about her regularly. I had seen her in a beige lace bra with a matching waist slip, and she looked gorgeous. My own sex life was nearly dead due to my wife losing interest after giving birth to two sons. As my birthday approached, she took me aside and asked what I would like as a present from her. I looked her in the eye and, with true regret, told that what I really wanted would never be achievable. She pursued the matter and asked why this ‘present’ was so special. I told her that it was a dream of mine, and dreams very seldom come true. A day or so later, she called me at work and said that she was totally intrigued by my wish that she was determined to find out what it was that I wanted so badly. I agreed to meet her for lunch the next day near my office. We sat in a cubicle away from wagging ears. We both drank a cocktail, and I still. Nothing. Zilch. Nothing I could salvage, even with the hardest highest-contrast paper I could find. It was hopeless. I felt like shit. Like failure. Dad wouldn't have approved, I'm sure of that.Just a fuckup. That's what it felt like and that's what it was. So, no, I didn't cry, but I felt like it. I solved it the way I'd solved so many similar things over the years: I cut it out of my life. I told myself it was because I was bored with it, that I hated darkroom work, that I was only doing it because Dad did it and my brother the jerk did it, and I didn't really want to do it, anyway.That wasn't entirely true, though. The fact is that while I was no Ansel Adams, I got some pretty good results. Mostly in portraits, now and then in a landscape. Lee was my primary subject in the early years, no surprise there, and our kids when they came along, alone and in groups, sometimes with grandparents or aunt, absorbed in whatever they were doing. Reading, sometimes, kid in lap. A favorite was.
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