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" You're kidding. No son of mine is going to be one of those." A little homophobic?"No. I just want him to have red blood cells. I don't want him to be aRock Hudson or a Tab Hunter." Maybe you shouldn't want him to be Charles Manson or Ted Bundy." I don't want him to be one of those guys, either. I'm not an idiot. Ijust want him to get married -- to a woman -- and have kids. Is that toomuch to ask?" Paul, I'm not saying I'd prefer for him to be gay. It can be a hardlife. There are people who will hate you because you sleep with someonethey've never met. I'm just saying we will not reject our kid. If youdo, I will take a golf club to your ass." You don't play golf." I'll learn." 1995"Paul? It happened again." Oh, god. The haircut thing?" Yeah. I remember him screaming at his first haircut. This was worse.You would have thought Dracula was in the room." Jesus. Why is he this way? There aren't nerve endings in hair." He likes it long, I guess." Yeah.. "And there's never anywomen in them anyway. What am I supposed to do for the entire movie?" But Mira Sorvino's in it!" I said, knowing I was fighting a losing battle."You'd get to be Mira Sorvino! She's an Oscar-winner, Beth!" Can't we do, like, an Audrey Hepburn movie, maybe?" Beth asked. "Oooh, I'dso love to be Audrey Hepburn for a night. Do you have Breakfast at Tiffany's,Jake?" Who's the guy in that one?" I asked."George Peppard." Hannibal?" I said. "Fuck that. No way am I being Hannibal."Beth and I argued back and forth like that for fifteen minutes more. Eachtime one of us would make a suggestion, the other one would find fault withit. Beth was too staid and queasy to want to do any of the action movies andI thought it was a waste of a great opportunity to do some boring romanticmovie when you could be flying through outer space or living through someexciting spy adventure. And every time we'd thought we'd come up with acompromise-Romancing the Stone or The Mask of Zorro-Jake.
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