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The Bitch, was it?” Without waiting for an answer he handed me the spare helmet. “Well, we’ll try to get rid of that stress.”That was the first real ride we had, up and down roads and pathways I never knew existed, down twisting lanes and through woods where the leaves filtered the sun to a green haze, and my sunglasses turned it into a murky green sea. A little after noon we stopped for a rest by a little brook, and dipped our bare feet into it to cool them. I took out the food I’d brought.“Good girl,” he said. “Do you like today’s outing so far?”“Very much,” I said. It was green and peaceful, the water around my toes cool, the stones under them smooth and round, the grass under my hands soft, and we were all alone. I could almost imagine the Bitch didn’t exist. “Do you think it would be unethical for a patient to kiss her gastroenterologist?”“I won’t tell any professional associations if you...” he didn’t finish because my mouth was on his. The tip of my tongue pressed against his.. I visited therapists and even spent some time in a mental hospital, trying to fix myself. Trying to get better for him. To be worthy of him. To be good enough. I took the pills they gave me. I worked on my ‘coping skills’. We even visited a marriage counselor. I promised to be a good wife, to listen to him, to keep giving and never, ever stop. After childbearing I found the strain even more difficult. Firstly, my beauty was greatly diminished. Not just my body which everyone sees, but my most intimate areas were negatively affected. My perky breasts drooped, staring sadly at the ground. My nipples, which had been small and peony pink, became large and a depressing taupe. My tight, difficult to enter, vagina was loose, fistable even. My labia turned a brown the color of ruined meat, where they had once been a lovely rose pink. Where there had been a flower, a paradise, there was some sort of goblin. By giving my husband the most precious of gifts, I also guaranteed the end of his.
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