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Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep inside of me. I wanted to be a dominant. I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt,. I heard a movement and a click and I guessed that she had moved inside the room, shutting out the noise from the corridor, as she did so. All of a sudden I felt afraid, but of what I did not know. Here I stood, alone and vulnerable in a room of unfamiliarity, and the power of my feelings, some of which, I could not understand. It made for a cocktail of lethal emotions. I could not be sure if she knew that I was unable to see her. I strained to catch the slightest of sounds; the softest of breaths, the lightest of footfalls but there was nothing but her scent. Through this alone, I could build up a unique picture of her in my mind of which I would always remember.Standing there, I experienced a sexual thrill that I had never been able to produce with imagination. I did not feel afraid of the delectable form before me but of the unknown. It was the thought of what may happen in the next few minutes. Although I felt somewhat turned on by this woman, it was obvious that she was not too.
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